Weekly Roundup: Earnings Boom, Iran War, and Wall Street's Wild Week

What a week to be alive (and long equities, mostly). $UNH surged 8% on a massive earnings beat. $ABT posted its best single-day gain in 24 years, ripping 14% after raising full-year guidance to $5.45-$5.60 per share. Big banks including $JPM, Goldman, Wells Fargo, and Citi all torched expectations, with equity trading revenues going full send on the back of AI themes, SpaceX activity, and general market fervor. $GE beat for the seventh consecutive time since January 2024 and still fell 4%, because Wall Street is never happy.

On the chaos side: $IBM cratered over 24% after software revenue grew just 5% versus double-digit expectations, a brutal reminder that AI hype cuts both ways. $LLY made the boldest acquisition of the week, dropping up to $3.8 billion on psychedelic drugmaker Atai Beckley, targeting treatment-resistant depression. Meanwhile Uber swallowed Delivery Hero for $14.8 billion, expanding to 99 markets. The US and Iran, by contrast, are just swapping actual missiles over the Strait of Hormuz, which is keeping oil elevated and everyone slightly nervous.

The social sentiment call that actually played out: PayPal buzz was building all week before the $53 billion Stripe takeover bid sent it soaring 19%. The crowd knew. They usually do, right before they also get it completely wrong on something else.