The Week the Strait of Hormuz Broke Everything (Except $INTC and $PLTR)

Let's set the scene: WTI crude closed above $106/barrel, Ken Griffin went on CNBC to casually warn of a global recession if the Strait of Hormuz stays closed another 6-12 months, and the Philadelphia Semiconductor Index somehow surged nearly 5% in the same week. Markets are cooked and thriving simultaneously, which is very on-brand for 2026.

The week's two biggest sentiment winners were $INTC and $PLTR. Intel caught a rocket after reports that $AAPL is exploring US-based processor manufacturing — potentially cutting $TSM out as the primary supplier — while the US government quietly sits on $40 billion in unrealized gains from its Intel stake. Meanwhile, Palantir dropped a jaw-dropping $1.63 billion in revenue, up 85% year-over-year — its fastest growth since IPO — and raised full-year guidance by over $1 billion. CEO Alex Karp said he plans to grow 100% next year with fewer employees. Absolutely unhinged. We love it.

Elsewhere: $META tapped Morgan Stanley and JP Morgan for a ~$13B financing package, $NOW projected $30B+ in subscription revenue by 2030, $GME bid $55 billion for eBay (lol), and $PARA actually posted its first-ever streaming profitability. Spirit Airlines died. Avocado imports broke a record. Bryan Cranston launched a mezcal brand. It was a lot.

The fertilizer supply shock tied to Hormuz is the most underreported story of the week — food security risk layered on top of an energy crisis is the kind of slow-burn trade that doesn't trend on Reddit until it's already too late.