The Strait of Hormuz Is Breaking Everything: Oil, Food, Banks, and Your $7 Bag of Doritos
Hormuz is closed, inflation is lying to you, and the week's biggest winner was a chip company nobody was talking about
Ticker Ratings
| Ticker | Rating | Entry Price | Current | $ Gain | % Gain |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| INTC INTEL CORP | buy | $62.39 | — | — | — |
| PLTR Palantir Technologies Inc. | hold | $129.09 | — | — | — |
| UNH UNITEDHEALTH GROUP INC | buy | $304.84 | — | — | — |
| PEP PEPSICO INC | sell | $157.25 | — | — | — |
| GS GOLDMAN SACHS GROUP INC | buy | $911.53 | — | — | — |
| RVMD Revolution Medicines, Inc. | buy | $97.90 | — | — | — |
| META Meta Platforms, Inc. | hold | $630.52 | — | — | — |
| OGN Organon & Co. | buy | $9.01 | — | — | — |
Let's set the scene: US-Iran peace talks in Islamabad collapsed after 15+ hours of negotiations, Trump announced a naval blockade of the Strait of Hormuz, and 800 ships are currently stuck in the Persian Gulf with only ~150 transiting over six weeks versus a normal rate of 100-150 per day. Oil is sitting at $127/barrel, gas prices are up 40% since the war started, and the University of Michigan Consumer Sentiment Index just hit its lowest reading ever recorded. Totally fine. Everything is fine.
Meanwhile, the week's most unexpected plot twist: $INTC surged nearly 24% — its biggest weekly gain since 2000 — on deals with Tesla, SpaceX, xAI, and Google. $PLTR dropped ~14% as AI uncertainty crushed software sentiment. $UNH quietly posted its best week in months. And $CRWV popped 10%+ after Anthropic signed a multi-year NeoCloud deal — right as Anthropic's AI model 'Mythos' was simultaneously spooking bank CEOs in Washington over cybersecurity vulnerabilities that went undetected for decades. Anthropic giveth, Anthropic freaketh everyone out.
CPI came in at 3.3% YoY with gasoline up 18.9% — and yes, Jeremiah Babe is back on YouTube yelling that real inflation is in double digits while pawn shops report surging loan demand from Americans selling gold just to afford gas. PepsiCo missed revenue by ~$1 billion for the second consecutive year as Walmart pulls Doritos shelf space. The snack is literally a leading economic indicator now, and it's screaming recession. Bank earnings kick off next week — hope those trading desks are ready, because 15-20% year-on-year trading revenue growth is the expectation, and this market does not have the patience for disappointment.