Markets Flatline as SpaceX Hypes Up NASDAQ 100, Iran Crisis Can't Even Move the VIX

This week, you could have replaced the entire market with a Magic 8 Ball that only says, 'Ask Again Later.' The S&P 500, Dow, and even the VIX are basically pulling a Rip Van Winkle — 0.0, all day, every day. Geopolitical chaos in Iran? Yawn. AI making admin jobs go poof? Hold my LaCroix. SpaceX joining the NASDAQ 100? Maybe we’ll care Tuesday.

Meanwhile, YouTube’s financial soothsayers are torn between apocalyptic debt spirals and the hottest IPO action since that time everyone pretended Robinhood was unbreakable. AI is allegedly replacing humans in finance, but the jobless numbers barely make a ripple. Iranian headlines read like an 80s action movie marathon, but oil still drops to a four-month low after US-Iran talks. Never has 'don't just do something, stand there' felt this literal — except maybe at a conference call after someone's wifi goes out. Wake us up when SpaceX actually launches the market.