Let's start with the week's main character: $INTC. Intel reported $13.6B in Q1 revenue — smashing the $12.4B estimate — with adjusted EPS of 29 cents versus the street's 1-cent prediction. One cent. The analyst community basically said 'break even' and Intel said 'hold my Xeon.' The stock surged 23-24% to an all-time high, eclipsing its dot-com peak for the first time in over 25 years. Agentic AI is turbocharging CPU server demand, and Intel's supply constraints are actually helping margins. The ripple hit $ARM, $AMD, and $QCOM, lifting the Philadelphia Semiconductor Index to its 18th consecutive winning day — the longest streak since 1994.
Meanwhile, the macro backdrop is giving everyone a headache. The Strait of Hormuz blockade is now described by S&P's Daniel Yergin as 'the biggest energy disruption in history,' with Brent crude above $105/barrel, 80% of Asia's oil flows disrupted, and analysts warning prices could hit $170 if the standoff holds. Iran talks remain in 'talks about talks' territory in Pakistan. The S&P 500 hit record highs anyway — because markets are apparently doing their best 'ignorance is bliss' impression.
Elsewhere: the DOJ dropped its criminal probe into Fed Chair Powell, smoothing Kevin Warsh's path to the big chair; cannabis stocks popped on marijuana rescheduling from Schedule 1 to Schedule 3; and the SpaceX-OpenAI-Anthropic IPO pipeline could represent $3 trillion in combined market cap — which is either the most exciting or most terrifying sentence in finance right now. The semis are running, oil is screaming, and the Fed is about to get a new driver — buckle up.
