Hormuz Is Closed, Oil Is Spiking, and GameStop Just Bid $56B for eBay — Yes, This Is the Timeline We Live In

The Middle East just nuked the weekend. Iran's Revolutionary Guards announced they'll completely close the Strait of Hormuz if Trump follows through on energy facility threats — and per Reuters, investors are already bracing for a Monday shock. That's roughly 20% of global oil supply running through one chokepoint that is now a geopolitical grenade. Jim Cramer, of all people, laid out the math on CNBC: crude hits $110–$120, 30-year yields push to 5.25–6%, and the S&P gets absolutely cooked. Senator Ted Cruz called it an extraordinary military success — gas is at $4.50 nationally and Spirit Airlines just shut down entirely. Extraordinary!

Meanwhile, Bloomberg's Big Take confirms the jet fuel crunch is real: fuel is up to 30% of airline operating costs and airlines have zero ability to absorb it without wrecking your summer vacation budget. On the AI front, Amazon's Andy Jassy flexed a $15 billion run-rate AI business growing 260x faster than AWS did in its first three years — a legitimately insane stat that social media is sleeping on because everyone's watching oil charts.

Oh, and $GME bid $56 billion for eBay. Michael Burry immediately sold his entire GameStop position. The man who called the housing crisis is not sticking around for this one — and honestly, same.