Global Markets Stalled: Oil Spikes 4% as US-Iran Tensions Hit Hormuz

If you checked your 401k this week and thought your screen was frozen, it wasn't just you. The major indexes are doing their best statue impression, with the S&P 500, Dow, and NASDAQ delivering a masterclass in inactivity. The only thing flatter than this market? The soda at your company’s kitchen.

But oil? Oil is the main character now, up 4% with WTI topping $82 and Brent flirting with $88 after a week of US and Iran lobbing strikes and each other’s infrastructure. The Strait of Hormuz is turning into Wall Street’s latest anxiety dream, plenty of ships, not a lot of safe passage. Bloomberg and CNBC couldn’t get enough of it, predicting crude could spike closer to $100 if Iran keeps poking the bear.

Meanwhile, tech and chips lost their AI halo as China’s Moonshot (yes, that’s really the name) dropped a 2.8 trillion parameter model, launching a global semiconductor selloff. NASDAQ dropped over 1.4% and the AI trade is now officially “so last quarter,” at least if you listen to Bloomberg podcasts. The only thing lower than semi stocks is the supply of popcorn for doomsday commentators. If your portfolio feels like a ghost town, blame geopolitics, Chinese AI, and the fact that apparently nobody wants to buy or sell anything, unless it’s barrels of oil or bad takes on social media. Grab your popcorn, this summer isn’t getting any duller.